How Not To...Remember

Sixteen years ago, I lost my best friend.  I was 11 years old and he was 11 months.  Don’t mind the age difference, we were still pretty inseparable.  I don’t think about him everyday…normally May 2^nd and June 3^rd hit me hard each year, and anytime I visit my hometown, I go to the cemetery to see him.  Those days suck, a lot.  But for the most part now, I just think of him from time to time.  I think of how old he’d be (almost 17 – completely ridiculous!), what his life would have been like, what our relationship would be now, etc.  And when I’m done thinking about what he’d be like now, I remember how he was then.

I remember everything about Micah.  I remember the day that he was born.  I was in Idaho, visiting my biological father whom I didn’t have much of a relationship with, and Mom called to tell me that Micah was FINALLY here!  I’d been in Idaho for about a week and was supposed to stay for a month, but I told Mom she needed to come get me right away.  And a few days later, when Micah was out of the hospital and ready for his first roadtrip, they arrived to pick me up.  He was a pretty good traveler, even at just a few days old.  I sat beside him for the entire drive, and I was immediately in love with this adorable little boy.

I’ve always been good with kids and babies always especially liked me – but Micah was the first one that I bonded with in that indescribable way.  We were just partners-in-crime, from the very beginning.  Not long after he was born, Micah’s mom went on a trip…and didn’t come back for awhile.  So, in that typical Cammie way, my mom decided that he could just be ours, haha!  For the next 11 months, he did feel like ours a lot of the time.  Micah’s mom was my cousin, and I don’t think she was quite ready to be a mom.  So, even after she got back to town, Micah still spent a lot of his time with us.  Of course, that didn’t get any complaints from me!

I remember his crib in our living room, because we didn’t really have room for another kid.  I remember his giggle and his sweet little toothy smile.  I remember his first Christmas, and that he had pjs that matched my uncle and dad’s.  I remember the way he focused on things and how you could just see his little mind work.  I remember him wearing shark sandals in his last professional pictures, because while we had a cute outfit for him, no one thought about shoes.  I remember the way he looked at Mom.  I remember how he turned my big burly dad into a teddy bear.  And I remember the way he got excited every time he saw me.  It was a pretty mutual feeling.

I am so glad that I remember all the moments I shared with him in his much too short life.  But, on the flip side of that, I also remember everything about him leaving.  I remember my parents waking me up to tell me the awful news.  I remember feeling incredibly numb and yet incredibly aware of the huge shift in my life at the same time.  I remember going to see his mom and being so mad at her, though I behaved and kept quiet.  I remember being mad at my mom too.  And myself.  Because it wasn’t supposed to be this way.  He wasn’t supposed to stay the night with his mom.  My mom was supposed to pick him up.  He was supposed to stay with us.  But she didn’t, and I didn’t make her, and look what happened.  It took me a little while to forgive my mom.  It took me a lot longer to forgive myself.  And a lot LOT lot longer for me to forgive his mom.  I probably still blame her.  But, God tells me to forgive, so I did, even though I don’t really think I wanted to.

I remember not going to school that day.  I remember picking him out an outfit.  I remember my cousin, his uncle, slamming his hand into the wall.  I remember everyone crying and fighting.  I remember thinking about everything we were still supposed to do.  And I remember just not wanting to be there anymore.

So the next day, Mom still made me go on my class field trip.  I remember her coming with me.  I remember it pouring rain as we walked into the school.  And I remember her telling me that it was raining because God knew how sad I was, and he was crying with me.  I still hate rain, because of that moment.  I remember having an awful day and deciding maybe getting away wasn’t the best idea.  I remember going to the funeral home after we got back and changing my mind – maybe getting away wasn’t so bad after all.

I remember his funeral.  I wore a bright red dress with white flowers.  I didn’t care that everyone else was wearing black.  Micah liked red.  And I wanted to make him happy, even if I wasn’t.  I remember them playing Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love you, a song that I played on repeat for like a year, but one I don't like to hear now.  I remember not looking at him in the casket one last time as I walked away, a moment that I have regretted pretty much every day since.  I remember going to the cemetery and letting balloons go, because I wanted him to have balloons in Heaven.  I remember them lowering the casket and me losing it.  I remember his mom giving me one of the little shapes used to tie the balloons down.  And I remember wanting to keep it, but everyone else that got one dropped it onto his casket.  I remember kissing mine and then doing the same.  I remember instantly wanting it back.  I remember standing there thinking I couldn’t just leave.  Why was everyone leaving?  We couldn’t leave him there all alone.  Why would we do that?  And I remember thinking how is he going to breathe?????  I remember walking away and feeling completely empty.

After that, my memories aren’t so vivid.  I do remember watching the video of him eating the lemon over and over, and laughing at his little face when he realized how sour it was.  I remember getting mad when other people talked about him.  He wasn’t theirs, he was mine.  I remember his mom having another baby, and me worrying about her.  I remember my parents deciding they weren’t all that happily married anymore and they should get divorced.  I remember thinking the next time Mom decided to continue her habit of taking in kids that needed her, maybe I wouldn’t get so attached (ha!  Yeah right!)  And I remember wondering whether we would have still moved across the state if he was still here.

And it’s that last one that reminds me that God has a much better plan than I do.  I hate that Micah had to leave so soon, but I know there was a reason for it.  I believe everything happens for a reason, and I trust that God knew that this was better for that sweet baby boy.  And, it was probably better for my family too.  It was better that my parents got divorced, it was better that we moved away.  I firmly believe that Micah leaving changed the entire path of my life.  I really don’t think any of us would be where we are now if he hadn’t died.  And, for the most part, I think we all ended up where we needed to be.  So I trust God.  But, man, 16 years later, I’m sitting in a hotel room, in Leeds, Alabama of all places, thinking about how much I still miss him.  I love you, Micah Zane.  Even though it hurts, I'm really glad I remember.

How Not To...Say Goodbye

This weekend, my best friend is moving away. When you’re 13, the idea of your best friend moving seems unbearable. Well, you know what, at 27 it still feels pretty darn unbearable.

I am happy for my friend, her husband and her daughter. I think the move is going to end up being a great thing for their family, and I’m proud of them for taking this BIG step. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with them leaving me! ;)

Since I moved to Charlotte, almost 3 years ago, Crystal, Jeff and Contessa have been my family. I can say with 100% certainty that I don’t think I’d still be living in North Carolina if it wasn’t for them. They are the people I go to when I need help, when I want to have fun, when I’m sad, when I want to share good news. They’re pretty much just my people for everything.

Now, I’m not trying to be dramatic. I know with today’s modern world, it’s easier to stay in touch than ever. We have phone calls, texts, Facetime and Skype, emails, Facebook, Twitter, etc! It’s not like they will suddenly be out of my life. But, it’s just not the same. It won’t be the same to hear Tess tell me she loves me if it doesn’t come along with one of her sweet hugs and kisses. It won’t be the same to get advice from Crystal without sitting on her couch together hashing out my life. And I assume Jeff telling me to “JUST STOP!” when I’m freaking out won’t have quite the same feel over via text as it does in person.

But, we’ll fight through. Pittsburgh isn’t exactly close, but it isn’t terribly far away either. It’s close enough that plane tickets are relatively cheap and it’s a drive you could make in a day. So I’m sure they will come visit here and I can go visit there. Nonetheless, not seeing them constantly is going to have a big impact on my life. For as independent as I am, I am sure struggling with how I see my life after they move away. But – they’re tough. And I’m tough. And everything will be just fine.

I try to be good at telling people what they mean to me, but just in case you guys don’t know…

Crystal – You are without a doubt one of the very BEST people I know. You have such an amazing heart! To me, you are the true epitome of what a Christian should be. You absolutely 100% embody my motto of “don’t judge, just love!” When people look at you, they see a stunningly beautiful woman. But what they don’t know is that inside you are EVEN MORE beautiful. I love your spirit, the way you take care of people, how empathetic you are, the fact that you are always willing to go above and beyond to help anyone and the way you speak your mind. I am SO thankful for the fun we have, the laughs we share, the advice you never run out of and the love you so generously give. You are going to do great in Pittsburgh! There is NO way you won't make great friends and charm everyone there just like you do everywhere you go! Thank you for being the person that I never knew was missing in my life! You are the best friend/other mother/sister/therapist/life partner I could ever ask for! I love you!

Contessa – I could not love you more if you were my own child! You are the perfect combination of sweet, silly, sassy and strong! Not to mention you are the SMARTEST kid I know! I love everything about you! Your style, your smile, your drawings, your stories and your decision making skills, haha! I will miss you every single day. I hope you make great friends in Pittsburgh, but don’t forget to leave a little room in your life for your BFF! I will miss chasing you around the house, our movie dates, playing dolls (even if I did have to always be the grandma!), park time swinging sessions, sidewalk chalk masterpieces, fun trips, mornings filled with messy hairdos and frozen pancakes, Ariel, Belle and Cinderella, and our awesome dance parties! Thank you for loving me the way that you do. You are constantly my favorite part of the day. I love you!

Jeff – Thank you. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for sharing your girls with me. Thank you for making space in your crazy life for me. Thank you for trusting me (even if that did mean I spent a lot of time housesitting in the boonies, haha!). Thanks for being the sane voice in my head when I needed it. Thanks for embracing the random girl that your wife invited to join your lives. Thank you for answering my questions, being a source of wisdom and inspiration for me, and for letting me watch football with you (since I know you don’t actually like to watch it with anyone). I appreciate your influence in my life SO much! Don’t think I won’t miss you too!

Saying goodbye sucks. So, I’m going to take my own advice and truly NOT say goodbye to you three. No matter how far away you are, you’ll still have a daily presence in my life. Safe travels. See you SOON! I love you guys!

PS – Gizmo, I will miss you too! (No, Crystal, not enough that you should leave him here with me or anything!) You are my favorite boyfriend ever. ;)

Xoxo!

Miss Jess

How Not To...Be Thankful

I've seen a lot of friends on Facebook doing a 30 Days of Thankfulness thing (at least that's what I'm calling it)...and I thought it looked like a good idea! But I'm doing my posts on my blog instead, because I can't imagine I'll actually update my status that much.

I'm starting a few days late, so I'll post three today! I plan to keep adding to this post throughout the month, so stop by often to see all the things I'm thankful for! :)

1 - Starbucks! There is just something about a warm cup of my favorite Starbucks drinks (especially in the Holiday Cups!) that just makes me feel really content! I typically order a super crazy, custom-made drink, but the baristas are (almost) always happy to make it, and when it turns out right, it pretty much makes my day!

2 - My new iPhone. It just arrived in the mail yesterday, and I didn't set it up until this morning, but I'm already LOVING it. This phone is basically life changing. Just saying. ;)

3 - Sunshine! Whether it's warm or chilly out, if the sun is shining, I'm happy!

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4 - Tessa Boo! I have a baby brother (okay, not so much a baby now as a full blown toddler - can't believe he is already 3!), but he lives way too far away. But luckily, I am best friends with the coolest three year old ever, so I feel like the void of missing Warsy isn't so bad, because I get to hang with Miss Contessa. But even if I didn't have a void to try and fill, Tess would still be my best friend because she is just so sweet and smart, silly and sassy...and she always knows just what to say. Like this morning, when I let her pick out my shoes, and after I put them on and asked her if she liked the entire ensemble, she told me "Yes! You are SO beautiful!" I don't know that I could love this little girl more, even if she was my own. So today, I am especially thankful that I get to spend the weekend playing with her. :)

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5 - My job! I'll be the first to admit that I have NO idea if what I'm doing now is what I'm "supposed" to be doing with my life. My school/career path hasn't made a whole lot of sense, as I will no doubt discuss in future posts. Nonetheless, I love my job. It's a lot of fun, and the guys I work with, while crazy and total BOYS (and me, the lone girl being as girlie as can be), make me smile everyday. I know they have my back, and I love the dynamic we have. My clients are great, and while working in sports definitely has some downfalls, the perks generally outweigh them. I really am living my dream, and although I don't know that this is the forever dream, for now, it's suiting me pretty darn well, and I'm thankful to be where I am.

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6 - Books! I used to love to read to learn...and then I went to school for way too long and decided I wanted to just read for fun. But, either way, I love books. I can often be found in my very comfy bed reading the day away, and one of my favorite parts about traveling is getting to read for a few hours, totally uninterrupted, whenever I fly.

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No. 5 has been keeping me super busy, so I'm a few days behind again. Oopsy! But, here we go...

7 - Mani/Pedis! I love mani/pedi dates with my faves! So relaxing and fun! Had a dinner/manicure date with Jill and Heather the other day, and it was great! I tried the new shellac manicure. Kind of pricey, considering I didn't really get the manicure part of it, but the shellac polish looks amazing, so I'm happy. :)

8 - Speaking of Jill and Heather, let me just say that I am SO very thankful for ALL of my NC friends! They have truly become family to me (special shoutout to Crystal, who made it her mission to make me a part of her family, and to my dysfunctional family, who I am so blessed to be a part of), and I appreciate and adore every single one of them! There are a lot of things I like about living in Charlotte (hello sunshine and Southern hospitality!) but my friends absolutely top that list! Love y'all! :)

9 - Something Borrowed. I LOVE everything about this movie. I watch it constantly. Currently one of my No. 8s has my copy, so I'm kind of in withdrawals, haha, but for some reason, I just adore that movie. Probably because it has Jim and Gigi in it, and I love them both. (Yes, those are their character names on The Office and He's Just Not That Into You. That's who they are to me, haha!)

10 - My Mommy. My mom has always been crazy. She has never been your typical mom. I remember a time she left my birthday party, held at a waterpark, to go get a new tattoo. A bunny rabbit. Right at the top of her leg. So random. I remember when she kind of disappeared when her and my dad first split. I remember when she ditched me when I was in the hospital overnight after surgery to go on a date with some random guy...that later become the world's best stepdad and is one of my favorite men in the world. I remember times she encouraged me to NOT be a good kid. So much crazy in one little mom. :) But, funny stories aside, my mother is fantastic. Each and every day, I am lucky to call her mine. For every silly story, I have 10 "World's Best Mom" stories. I remember when she went to my new school to threaten the principal when kids were being mean to me. I remember when she helped me move across the country...twice. I remember when she worked all night and still got up first thing in the morning just to hang out with me. I remember all the times she told me I could do anything (something I'm completely thankful for, even if she did jedi mind trick me into going to law school). And, just this morning, she called me four times in a row to make sure I was alive (I was - just asleep!) because I didn't call her yesterday. Yes, she's silly, but she also loves me so much that if we don't talk every day, she thinks the world has ended. That's a mom worth being thankful for. :)

11 - Happy Veteran's Day, everyone! Today, of course, I am thankful for all the sacrifices that our military, past, present and future, make to keep us all safe and protected. A special shoutout to those that I've loved that have served...grandpas, uncles, cousins, one of my favorite friends from college, and a boy I had a huge crush on in high school. :) THANK YOU!

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12 - Sonny. I have the best little brother in the entire world. He's a hot mess sometimes. And he's really NOTHING like me. We're total opposites. I'm boring, he's fun. I'm structured, he's a disaster. I'm a total nerd, he's super cool. I like to read books and drink ice water; he parties with his friends and spends more money on booze than anything else. I went to law school, he gets into trouble. I could go on and on. But at the end of the day, Sonny is probably my favorite person on Earth. I know no matter what I need, he'd give it to me. He's the only person I'd jump in front of a bullet for without even thinking about it. (I might jump in front of a bullet for a few others, but I'd at least weigh the pros and cons first! Haha!) I have loved him since the moment he was born...and as much as I look out for him, he's always doing the same thing for me. He's my partner-in-crime, my confidant, my BIG brother (even if I'm four years older), my best friend. I'm so glad that I have him, even if I know he'll give me gray hair much before it's time! ;)

13 - Back up drives. My computer crashed awhile back, but I was able to save all of my pictures, music, documents and most importantly work files before it did. Thank goodness!

14 - New York City! I'm so thankful I got to visit that city, finally, last year. Something about the energy, the people, the entire atmosphere of NYC just SPEAKS to me. I really hope it's in God's plan for me to live there someday. Someday soon, preferably. But, even if I don't get to move there in the next few years, I love that I have the NYC dream always in my mind! Heck, even if I never move there (God forbid!), at least it will always be just a plane ride away!

15 - Pinterest! I am completely obsessed with Pinterest! I love everything about it. And even though I pin recipes that I'll never make, words that I don't always live by, shoes I'll never buy, and crafts I could never make...it still never fails to make me smile!

16 - Wednesday Lunches with Kenny! The company we sublease from at work hosts bi-weekly bible study lunches every other Wednesday! I love our lunches for SO many reasons! 1, I still don't have a church that is THE ONE here in Charlotte. So, it's nice to have a place where I can get my Jesus on even if I'm a slacker that doesn't go to church every Sunday because I whine about the church I've got instead of finding a new one. 2, I LOVE Kenny. He is one of my very favorite people! I know no matter what we talk about, he'll give honest advice that is always just what I need to hear! 3, working in the industry that I do, it's rare to find yourself surrounded by Christians that walk the walk instead of just talk the talk. I love that I'm getting to know people that I truly admire as Christians. 4, it's nice to slow down for a few minutes in the middle of the week. Unless I'm out of town, I make it a priority to go to these lunches every time. Sometimes you just need to recharge a little. Finally, 5, I always get to order the lunch, so Miss Picky never has to pretend to like the food. ;)

17 - A new hair do! I love getting my hair done! We all know I don't really struggle with self-esteem (hello understatement!) but I truly never feel better than right after I get my hair done. :)

18 - Silliness! I'm a pretty serious person (hello understatement again!), generally speaking. I am fairly literal (just ask my Apples to Apples girls - sidenote: I'm STILL mad about Bangkok, AP! Haha!), I don't get out of control. I'm boring. And, I like it that way. Usually. But every once in awhile, I get flat out silly with my friends and nothing makes me smile more! :)

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I've gotten way behind again, but I am determined to finish this today (November 30th) so here goes...

19 - Target! I love everything about this store. I could go there everyday and never get tired of walking the aisles. Everyone that works there is super friendly and helpful, I love the plastic red shopping carts, and most of them have a Starbucks inside! :) Plus, anything that I need, they have! Not to mention, everything they sell is SUPER cute! :)

20 - Warsy! I truly mean it when I say my baby brother is the most spoiled child on the planet. If he didn't yell no at other people, I'd think he doesn't even know what the word means. This kid gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He's got everyone wrapped around his little fingers. But he is the sweetest, cutest little boy! Even when he's being a monster, I still can't help but smile at him. Mom has a habit of taking in babies and then giving them back to their parents later. While I admire her for having the heart to help those in need, even at the expense of herself, I just don't have that same spirit. I hate getting close to a baby and then having to give it back. Luckily, most of those kids have stayed in our lives, but it's just not the same. So when Mom told me they were getting "the baby," I tried to keep my distance. Nonetheless, I went to visit them when Warsy was six weeks old, and I was immediately smitten. Once we spent Christmas together, I was a complete goner. Almost three years after he was born and came to live with my parents, on June 29th of this year, Warsy officially became ours! And now, our family is complete. :)

21 - Water! I drink water constantly. It's my favorite drink. When I gave up soda and caffeine back in 2005, I wasn't sure what I was going to drink. But so long as I've got my ice water, I'm a happy girl.

22 - My Milwaukee Peeps! I did not necessarily love my time in Milwaukee. I hate driving in the snow, law school was a whole lot of work, and I don't like beer or cheese (both Wisconsin staples, of course). But, I LOVED the people in my life! I still miss living there, solely because of my law school lovelies, my bible study girls, my Milwaukee Mile partners-in-crime, PA, and my awesome roommate and landlord! Okay, I may miss the leaves in the fall, Summerfest and the beautiful lake too. Just a little. ;)

23 - Facebook! I'm not a very good Facebooker (Twitter is more my style) but I love that I'm able to use it to keep in touch with so many people from my past! That's not something that I'm very good at...keeping in touch...but Facebook makes it WAY easier. I love that I get to know what is happening in the lives of so many people I care about. :) (Warning: I do delete people A LOT, so you better stay relevant, haha!)

24 - My sweet niece Dakota! I cannot believe that my niece turned 11 on Thanksgiving! It seems like just yesterday that we brought her home from the hospital. I've always been great with kids, and I've babysat basically my whole life, but Koti was the first baby that felt like mine. I was so sad when she moved to Arizona, but now I'm so glad she has great parents and two adorable siblings!

25 - I'm thankful that I'm ME! :) I love a lot about myself...I mean A LOT, haha! I love my brain. I'm really smart, and I'm very thankful for that. I, clearly, have very high self-esteem, another thing I'm super grateful for! I'm sweet, usually. I'm (kind of) fun, and every once in awhile I'm funny. I'm bossy, in a good way. ;) I'm adorable. I'm good at giving advice (easier than taking it!) and being a good friend. I'm a goody two shoes. I'm a total happy camper. I'm a nerd. I'm just sassy enough. I mean, really, I'm awesome. And I love that God made me JUST the way I am. :)

26 - Summer dresses! It must suck to be a boy. I can't imagine not being able to rock a dress all summer long! Aside from when I'm at the track, I'm pretty much in a dress from March to October! They are easy peasy, super cute and totally fun!

27 - I love funny TV shows! I used to not be much of a television person, but my last two roommates (hi Heather and Margaret!) are major TV girls, so I guess it spilled over. ;) I used to be a total drama junkie, but lately I have been super into silly sitcoms. Over Thanksgiving break, I watched all 3 and a half seasons of Parks and Rec. OMG, hilarity. Do yourself a favor. Watch it. ;)

28 - Trips Home! I booked my flight home for Christmas and I am SO excited to see my family! I haven't been to Montana since Easter, so even though I'm sure by the end of the trip I will be SUPER ready to get back to North Carolina, I am so excited for the 2 weeks I'll be with my family! :)

29 - Denny! It's no secret that I think my mom is pretty cool, but she's always been kind of a hot mess in the husband/boyfriend department. But we hit the jackpot with Denny! At first I wasn't too sure what to make of him, but he and Mom took their time (hello understatement!) and by the time they FINALLY got married in 2007, I was totally on Team Denny! Even more so than Team Mom! (Sorry Mom!) They always joke that if they ever split up, Denny will get me in the divorce...and they're probably right, haha! There are so many things I love about him, but here are just a few...he's always treated Sonny and I like we were his own kids; he loves Mom and Warsy so much; he is the best at calming me down when I'm upset (no easy task!) and he gives great advice; he believes in me more than I believe in myself; and he'd do anything for anyone. He's just got a great heart! Plus! Denny is a package deal! Along with him, I got his mom and she is the best Grandma ever! I'm so blessed to have them both in my life! :)

30 - Christmas! I love everything about Christmas...yes, even the snow. That's the only time of year I find it acceptable. ;) I love family and friends getting together. I love presents...giving and receiving, haha! I love traditions. I love stockings and Christmas cards. I love Grams' apple pie. I love opening one present on Christmas Eve. I love dressing up. I love making 10 trips a day to the grocery store. I love Christmas socks and underwear...which my mom gets me every year. I love jingle bells and the singing penguin. I love angels and snowmen. I love pinochle with the uncles. I love dorky Christmas movies, especially the ones on ABC Family and Lifetime. I love Rena's peanut butter balls. I love shopping with Mom. And, above all else, I love celebrating Jesus' birth! :)

How Not To...Make a Change

I’ve always been really good at change. Well, let me clarify. I’ve always been really good at big change. I don’t do small changes. Like, at all. I’m very specific, and I like routine. People think I’m boring, but I don’t care. I like the fact that I eat the same foods, always drive the same routes and want to do the same things each day.

But when it comes to big changes, I love it! Well, again, let me clarify. The first day I don’t love it. The first day I kind of whine and cry and want to back out. But from the second day on? I rock at change.

I’ve always thought this was a good thing. It led me to move away for college my first year, allowed me to transfer to UM the next year, allowed me to move to Milwaukee for law school and to Charlotte after I was done. Being good at change also allowed me to quit a job that wasn’t right for me, even though things hadn’t quite lined up for the next one. I feel like all of these moves/decisions were SO great for me. I got a great education, made good friends and never felt like I was making the wrong choice (except for the aforementioned first day of change each time). Every change I made led me to be happier than the one before. That’s not to say it was always easy, because it wasn’t, but I never regretted any of the BIG changes I was making.

Over time, I’ve noticed that my ability to handle change can sometimes also be a hindrance. I am not very good at staying in touch with people. As my life continually changes, and me along with it, I have to work very hard to stay friends with people from my past. Sometimes I do a decent job of this, but usually I do not. I also tend to expect other people to also be good at change, and when they aren’t, it can be hard for me to relate to their troubles.

But only recently have I learned the newest, and biggest, hindrance that comes along with being good at change. I don’t just like change…I crave it! I don’t like sitting still. I have spent my entire life working towards the next step. And now that there isn’t necessarily a next step right on the horizon, I have no idea what to do with myself.

Instead of enjoying where my hard work has gotten me, I am sitting here wondering what is lacking in my life here in Charlotte. And you know what? The answer to that is nothing. Nothing is lacking in my life. I have a great life. I have great friends that have become my North Carolina family, a great job that I enjoy and am good at, and I live in a sweet Southern city. Sure, there are things I wish were different. I wish my family wasn’t so far away. I’d like to make a little more money or have a little less student loan debt. When I see all my friends settling down, getting married and having babies, it makes me think maybe I should work on being a little less independent. But, really, I’m happy with my life.

But, as it turns out, I don’t know how to live this life. I don’t know how to sit still, appreciate where I’m at and enjoy what I’m doing. I’m not good at living in the moment. Instead, I’m sitting here considering what my next step is. Should I change jobs? Leave the industry completely? Should I take the bar exam? Should I move to New York City? Why do I feel this way? Am I meant to live somewhere else? Do something else? Be someone else?

The questions just go on and on and on! Maybe the only question I should be asking myself is should I go to therapy…because I’m feeling like a hot mess! That one is probably easier to answer than the rest of the questions rolling around in my head! ;)

Take Two

Once upon a time, not that long ago, I decided to start a blog! A friend (hi AP!) said I should blog about my couponing adventures, and I figured I was up to the challenge! I recently decided I enjoy writing, and I'm decent at it, I was reading a lot of blogs and it seemed like a fun idea, and I felt like I would have LOADS to write about.

Well...I only went shopping with coupons once or twice (but I keep collecting them, with the hopes of getting back to it), so a blog on couponing probably wasn't a very good idea. Plus, I kept thinking of other things I wanted to write about that had nothing to do with couponing, so I decided to start a new How Not To blog, about everything. Because, even though to most people I look like I have my life pretty together, I really have no idea what I'm doing. So who better to give life advice than someone that has no idea how to handle her own life? Lots of people, probably....which is why this blog is a How Not To guide on life. If you're looking for legit advice, you'll probably find some scattered about, but don't be surprised when my life stories (seemingly) lead you down the wrong path. But, also, don't be surprised when the wrong path turns out to be the right one. :)