I’ve always been really good at change. Well, let me clarify. I’ve always been really good at big change. I don’t do small changes. Like, at all. I’m very specific, and I like routine. People think I’m boring, but I don’t care. I like the fact that I eat the same foods, always drive the same routes and want to do the same things each day.
But when it comes to big changes, I love it! Well, again, let me clarify. The first day I don’t love it. The first day I kind of whine and cry and want to back out. But from the second day on? I rock at change.
I’ve always thought this was a good thing. It led me to move away for college my first year, allowed me to transfer to UM the next year, allowed me to move to Milwaukee for law school and to Charlotte after I was done. Being good at change also allowed me to quit a job that wasn’t right for me, even though things hadn’t quite lined up for the next one. I feel like all of these moves/decisions were SO great for me. I got a great education, made good friends and never felt like I was making the wrong choice (except for the aforementioned first day of change each time). Every change I made led me to be happier than the one before. That’s not to say it was always easy, because it wasn’t, but I never regretted any of the BIG changes I was making.
Over time, I’ve noticed that my ability to handle change can sometimes also be a hindrance. I am not very good at staying in touch with people. As my life continually changes, and me along with it, I have to work very hard to stay friends with people from my past. Sometimes I do a decent job of this, but usually I do not. I also tend to expect other people to also be good at change, and when they aren’t, it can be hard for me to relate to their troubles.
But only recently have I learned the newest, and biggest, hindrance that comes along with being good at change. I don’t just like change…I crave it! I don’t like sitting still. I have spent my entire life working towards the next step. And now that there isn’t necessarily a next step right on the horizon, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Instead of enjoying where my hard work has gotten me, I am sitting here wondering what is lacking in my life here in Charlotte. And you know what? The answer to that is nothing. Nothing is lacking in my life. I have a great life. I have great friends that have become my North Carolina family, a great job that I enjoy and am good at, and I live in a sweet Southern city. Sure, there are things I wish were different. I wish my family wasn’t so far away. I’d like to make a little more money or have a little less student loan debt. When I see all my friends settling down, getting married and having babies, it makes me think maybe I should work on being a little less independent. But, really, I’m happy with my life.
But, as it turns out, I don’t know how to live this life. I don’t know how to sit still, appreciate where I’m at and enjoy what I’m doing. I’m not good at living in the moment. Instead, I’m sitting here considering what my next step is. Should I change jobs? Leave the industry completely? Should I take the bar exam? Should I move to New York City? Why do I feel this way? Am I meant to live somewhere else? Do something else? Be someone else?
The questions just go on and on and on! Maybe the only question I should be asking myself is should I go to therapy…because I’m feeling like a hot mess! That one is probably easier to answer than the rest of the questions rolling around in my head! ;)
